Exhausted is an understatement

Lately everybody has been asking me..."how are you adjusting to having 2 kids?"

Honestly...I have no idea how to do this. That's as real as I can be about it.

Going places is still something i'm trying to figure out. Who do I get out of the car first? If they are both asleep I have to carry both of them. I'm a little person so I look like i'm struggling. Yes, Coen can walk most of the time, but he's only 2. He walks slow and he doesn't understand the whole, "dont run in the street" thing. Which terrifies me. Grocery shopping is hard because my cart is full of kids.

At home my struggle is....am I neglecting Coen? I am always holding Jonah and a lot of times Coen like to sit in my lap or wants me to play with him but I can't...because Jonah is a very uncomfortable baby and he likes to be held. If I put him down to play with Coen...he's crying. He's not fond of the carrier or wrap. He knows what it means to be held. Coen falls and gets hurt sometimes while i'm holding Jonah and wants me to pick him up and console him...again...I already have a kid in my arms. At this point...i figure there is always going to be a kid crying.

I'm so tired. All the time. I sleep for a few hours and I don't even realize that I have. It literally feels like only a few minutes.The boys never seem to sleep at the same time. As soon as one is asleep the other is either waking him up or finally going to sleep himself or most often both awake and wanting my attention.

When I should be sleeping, I can't. My mind won't seem to shut off. I just lay there. Thinking, worrying...not sleeping. Then when I can finally shut my brain off....one or both of the boys is waking up.

I look crazy. I barely recognize myself. Mentally and physically. I've got about 30 lbs of luggage under my eyes. I look like a sunk-in, baggy-eyed ghoul. Mentally, i'm a wreck. My emotions are all over the place. My patience is very thin and I am easily frustrated and drawn to tears. I mean, it could be hormones combined with lack of sleep which makes for all-kinds-of-crazy.

I honestly just need a day of sleep. I'm a mess.

For example, today Coen woke up and I was laying on the couch with Jonah trying to figure out why he was so uncomfortable.  Coen woke up in a good mood and we ate, played cars and played on the Ipad. I laid back down on the couch with Jonah and Coen came to lay with me and when he laid down, suddenly he just started screaming in pain. It shocked the hell out of me, cuz it was just sudden. I sat him up (Jonah in the other arm) and asked him what was wrong. He was just crying and crying and then he started grabbing his ears.  I immediately thought, "ear infection" but it just seemed to come on suddenly. I laid Jonah down and picked up Coen. He wouldn't stop crying. He just kept grabbing my face with this pleading look like "Mommy, why am I in this pain. Please make it stop." He cried and cried for about a half hour while I looked frantically for his ear drops. I couldn't find them, and Jonah started getting fussy so I just decided to take him to Instacare. When I put him down to get some clothes for all of us, he just collapsed on the floor and cried in pain. It literally broke my heart.

So I rush off to Instacare, Coen crying the entire way. I get in there...waiting room is packed. They tell me it's a 2 hour wait. I'm like...well what else can I do? Coen is still crying. At this point he is crying so hard he is shaking and practically throwing up. I look around the room, not a single child is in there. I'm thinking...come and get us! This is a kid, obviously in pain. I think it's safe to say someone can wait.  I got so overwhelmed and sad seeing my son in that kind of pain that I also started to cry. Just from frustration. After 20 minutes, I left and took Coen to the E.R. It is the most awful feeling seeing your kid in that kind of pain and not being able to do anything about it. I felt like everyone in the room was looking at me crazy. Like, "why are you so upset?" I know kids get ear infections all the time, but why should he have to suffer for 2 hours? I was suffering just watching him hurt.

The E.R. only took about 15 minutes and...what do you know...Ear infections like I said. I knew it. All I needed was the friggin antibiotics. I mean, how long does it take to look in an ear and say, "yea they are ear infections?" Guarantee that bill will be $300 for something I diagnosed myself. Mike showed up for moral support because when he called me back at the Instacare, I had already fallen apart. I felt stupid for not being able to hold my shit together, but it's my kid, hurting...combined with lack of sleep and food and frustration.  I'm so thankful my husband is a patient man.

Coen reached for me at the E.R. and finally fell asleep. It melted my heart to know he wanted his mama. I gave him some ibuprofen when we got home and he woke up feeling so much better.

As for me, well...I tried to nap and Jonah wasn't having it....so back to the exhaustion part.

It's not all bad. I realize that Jonah is only 2 months old and it will get better. But right now. I'm just a mess. I don't know how I will go back to school feeling like this. My brain is not at it's highest functioning level. I feel like a zombie.

So yea....that's how i'm doing. I love these kids so much...but nothing worth having comes easy. I'm not a perfect mother or person, but i'm doing  my best. I'm trying to hold it together....for everybody.

Nailed it!

Ellipses...

I just realized that I use a lot of ellipses.

Most of the time it's incorrectly

I. Don't. Care! LOL

Think of it as a pause for effect.

My mind has a lot of ellipses ok?

Closed For Business

So today was the day...6 week appointment. I got the green light to work this extra 15 lbs off and be physical. I can't wait to just run and be able to breathe. You don't realize how shitty it is to feel like you can't even walk up two stairs without pausing to catch your breath. Like...Damn, what if I needed to run away from danger? what if someone wants to kidnap my sweet round pregnant ass? What if the zombie apocalypse starts right now? More realistically what if my 2 year old decides he wants to run towards the street or a flight of stairs?

Glad none of that happened and now I can get in shape if it does haha. 

I also got my IUD in and man i've never felt more like a dude. I think we've both been counting down the days. Unfortunately "no sex in the champagne room" for 2 more weeks so it can take affect. Having Coen in the bed with us makes it hard enough already so I think we'll survive another 2 weeks.

After getting my IUD in and knowing that its good til 2023 I feel relieved but also unexpectedly pensive. I know we've decided that we're done having kids and nobody hates pregnancy more than me but the end result is family. Is my family really complete?  Some nagging thought in the back of my mind seems to think the door isn't completely closed yet. Ever since Jonah was born I've been having dreams that we have another baby. Some dreams it's a girl and some it's another boy. 

I definitely don't want to keep trying for a girl because say we do get another boy....How is my son supposed to feel? Like he was a disappointment from the start? Of course I would love to have a daughter but that may NEVER happen. And boy or girl....a baby is a baby and it aint gonna make pregnancy or motherhood any easier. Long term-awesome. Short term-hell no i'm not doing that again. It's the long term that is keeping me questioning. 

Honestly I love the idea of having a big family (big for me is 3-4 kids) That way when i'm gone my kids have each other and they're not a one-man wolf-pack but wouldn't it be great to have a few people in your corner? Not just one?

That being said...now that I have kids I don't think its fair to you or your kids to have a a ton of kids. With each kid, someone is getting less attention. That includes your husband. Financially it's tolling and mentally and physically it's a lot of work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it and spoon feed it to you. Having a kid is one of the hardest most rewarding things you can ever do in life. You have to be patient and selfless everyday and as human beings we're not naturally built that way. But it's no longer about you. It's about this little person relying on you to help them be....well a person. A decent one. It has changed me so much as a person and I think as a woman. The way I handle situations, what's important to me and what's not and how to love.

Is the baby door closed? For now yes. But at least it's not permanent, We still have the key if we change our minds.  I want to finish school and focus on the kids i've got right now. I still don't want to go past 30-31 though so if we haven't decided to have another kid by the time Jonah is 2...that's it. it's a wrap.

Jonah-1 month

Well this time I was clever and took a pic of Jonah as newborn in the basket first...

What can I say about one month? This kid eats, sleeps and poops and is getting nice and round...the way I like my babies. Rolly! lol He is making more eye contact and already starting to coo. He has the shrillest, squeakiest little cry i've ever heard but for the most part he is quietly adjusting to life outside the womb.He gets a nervous look when Coen comes around (as do I) because Coen likes to point out his features (nose, mouth, ears and eyes) and his little fingers come swooping at his face at a toddler pace which is like throwing daggers most of the time because he wont let me cut his fingernails.  He very well might take an eye out. Also he wants to play footsies with him because Jonah is always stretching his little frog legs out but again..."gently" and "soft" usually is interpreted as "inflict pain" so we are always nearby when Coe wants cuddles with brother. For the most part Coen likes him and is protective...but he's also 2....

Still up every 2 hours and in mombie mode but i'm hangin on! Sure love my sweet boys!