Friday, February 21, 2014

Rest in Peace

I don't know if it's just me, or mothers in general, but I feel like I think of the worst...all the time. Most of the time it's irrational, paranoid fears like, "If I let so and so babysit, maybe their dog won't like Coen and will bite his face off." or "What if while i'm walking down the stairs with Jonah I trip and he goes flying out of my arms and cracks his head open?"

I worry about my kids all the time. I guess like any parent I never want to see them hurt, or sick, or sad or rejected or let down. I want them to live long beautiful healthy lives and be happy and make me lots of grandbabies. But with this crazy world we live in...we just don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us. Disease, illness, sickos, psychos, car accidents, freak accidents, suicide..... I mean how can I not worry? I worry about Mike too and my parents and siblings.  

I guess the past couple of weeks has got me feeling pensive because all I seem to come across is death. My old boss lost his son (that I used to babysit) to suicide at 15, a friend I grew up with lost their 5 1/2 month old daughter to H1N1, and most recently my uncle died from liver cancer at 58. 

All of it has really got me realizing, man our time here is so short. So many tomorrows have come and gone. Am I making the most of my life? Will I live a long life? Will my kids? My parents?

My friend lost his baby to the flu. I'm still shocked. She had just a tiny little cough and passed away 2 days later. It has definitely made me re-examine the flu shot. I didn't get Coen one this year and Mike doesn't have one, but....they will be getting one. I had mine when I had Jonah, but he is still susceptible to all this crap out there for another 2 months.  I can't imagine their heartache. I'm not close with them, we knew each other years ago...but this has definitely shook me. I have shed tears for this family and that sweet baby girl that was only a few months older than Jonah. His wife has started to blog about their story. Be ready with lots of Kleenex if you're going to read it. 

I lost my uncle a few weeks ago. Losing my uncle was hard. It was my dad's brother and his best friend. He was such a silly, happy man. We found out about the cancer in December and he passed away on February 6th. The day after my mom's birthday. It was so quick. He changed so quick. My cousin flew in from San Diego and told us how bad the cancer had gotten and that the Dr's had only given him about 4-6 weeks and then 2 weeks later he passed. I went to see him almost everyday for those 2 weeks. Everyday more and more of his personality disappeared. It was heartbreaking. It still doesn't seem real. 

I've been around death before. I was a CNA. I've lost some friends. I deal with it pretty well. But nothing hurts you quite like losing a family member and watching them and their family (including yourself) have to deal with it.  The hardest part for me was seeing my Dad bury his brother. It still hurts. I'm so close to my Dad, I never want to see him hurt like that. It also started making me think, damn...my parents are not young anymore. My Dad is only 4 years younger than my uncle.  I can't imagine losing him in 4 years....Or ever really but I know it's something I will have to face someday. I just want my parents to be at least 100 before anything happens. I want my siblings to be super old and I want to be an old ass lady with Mike and see our great great great grandkids together.  Is that too much to ask? 

Death is hard. I still can't wrap my head around it. One minute someone is here and then they're not. And oddly enough...life goes on. We just carry on as if it never happened...but we will never see them again. Only our memories or thought of them keep them alive. I truly do hope there is a heaven and that someday we can all reunite. 

Anyway, with that said. I've just been holding my babies extra close (Mike included) and being so grateful to have them and praying that I get to keep them around for at least another 80 years. I'll be pretty old by then so i'm ok with just another 80 :)

Rest In Peace to all those that have recently passed.  I hope you know that you are thought of everyday. 









Sunday, February 2, 2014

Jonah-3 months

My little Jonah Boy. This kid is probably the happiest little thang you've ever seen. He's sleeping about 4-5 hours at night now, so not only is he happy...but the whole house is happy. He is nice and fat, just like we like em in this house. Rolls for days. He's a lot longer than Coen was so I think Coen has him beat in the fatness department but only because he was compact fact. LOL.

He is grabbing onto everything. He's reaching and grabbing and holding things in his hands. He sure hold onto me for dear life. He does not want me to put him down! He is rubbing all of his beautiful hair out because he is trying to roll over and he uses his head to turn himself. *sigh* I guess it will grow back. I always get sad when their hair falls out.  He gets so happy when he first wakes up that he just screams with delight. It cracks me up. He kicks his little feet and arms out in all directions and just lets out the cutest little laugh. I am in love with this kid. Coen is starting to say "Bruher" now and "Baby" and point to Jonah. He loves to lay next to him and just hold his little hand and Jonah just cracks up at Coen when Coen is doing his little laps around the house.

Sure do love this kid! I'm so glad he's happy!











Sucky self realizations

So I'm a terrible person. I've come to realize a horrible dick-headed thing that I do....
blurt out other people's good news! 

Man, I never noticed until today. It has happened on several occasions.

1. When my brother-in-law announced he had gotten married

Mid announcement I'm like..."did you guys finally get married?"

Yep-I'm that guy (or girl rather)

2. When my other brother-in-law announced that he and his wife were pregnant. 

I'm not quite sure how I fucked that one up but I know that I did. I'm sure he hasn't forgotten...

3. When  brother-in-law from situation #1 announced they were now pregnant.

I proudly proclaimed I knew it as he was announcing it. Yea...fucked up his good news twice.  He probably officially hates my guts. 

I hate myself a little. I mean what a dick move. Let them have their moment of glory! That's what I wish I had told myself before I blurted their shit out. 

I guess that's how you know you're a semi adult. You realize you're an asshole sometimes and should probably Shutup once in awhile.

I'm definitely working on it. 

I did apologize to my brother-in-law and his wife tonight but the damage is irreversible at this point. I seriously feel sick about it. My stomach hurts. 

So if I ever have any incling about something going on with you and you're about to make an announcement about it just let me know in a quiet corner somewhere cuz I will probably ruin your proud moment. 

*sigh* I'm ashamed 😔