Closed For Business

So today was the day...6 week appointment. I got the green light to work this extra 15 lbs off and be physical. I can't wait to just run and be able to breathe. You don't realize how shitty it is to feel like you can't even walk up two stairs without pausing to catch your breath. Like...Damn, what if I needed to run away from danger? what if someone wants to kidnap my sweet round pregnant ass? What if the zombie apocalypse starts right now? More realistically what if my 2 year old decides he wants to run towards the street or a flight of stairs?

Glad none of that happened and now I can get in shape if it does haha. 

I also got my IUD in and man i've never felt more like a dude. I think we've both been counting down the days. Unfortunately "no sex in the champagne room" for 2 more weeks so it can take affect. Having Coen in the bed with us makes it hard enough already so I think we'll survive another 2 weeks.

After getting my IUD in and knowing that its good til 2023 I feel relieved but also unexpectedly pensive. I know we've decided that we're done having kids and nobody hates pregnancy more than me but the end result is family. Is my family really complete?  Some nagging thought in the back of my mind seems to think the door isn't completely closed yet. Ever since Jonah was born I've been having dreams that we have another baby. Some dreams it's a girl and some it's another boy. 

I definitely don't want to keep trying for a girl because say we do get another boy....How is my son supposed to feel? Like he was a disappointment from the start? Of course I would love to have a daughter but that may NEVER happen. And boy or girl....a baby is a baby and it aint gonna make pregnancy or motherhood any easier. Long term-awesome. Short term-hell no i'm not doing that again. It's the long term that is keeping me questioning. 

Honestly I love the idea of having a big family (big for me is 3-4 kids) That way when i'm gone my kids have each other and they're not a one-man wolf-pack but wouldn't it be great to have a few people in your corner? Not just one?

That being said...now that I have kids I don't think its fair to you or your kids to have a a ton of kids. With each kid, someone is getting less attention. That includes your husband. Financially it's tolling and mentally and physically it's a lot of work. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it and spoon feed it to you. Having a kid is one of the hardest most rewarding things you can ever do in life. You have to be patient and selfless everyday and as human beings we're not naturally built that way. But it's no longer about you. It's about this little person relying on you to help them be....well a person. A decent one. It has changed me so much as a person and I think as a woman. The way I handle situations, what's important to me and what's not and how to love.

Is the baby door closed? For now yes. But at least it's not permanent, We still have the key if we change our minds.  I want to finish school and focus on the kids i've got right now. I still don't want to go past 30-31 though so if we haven't decided to have another kid by the time Jonah is 2...that's it. it's a wrap.