Lately everybody has been asking me..."how are you adjusting to having 2 kids?"
Honestly...I have no idea how to do this. That's as real as I can be about it.
Going places is still something i'm trying to figure out. Who do I get out of the car first? If they are both asleep I have to carry both of them. I'm a little person so I look like i'm struggling. Yes, Coen can walk most of the time, but he's only 2. He walks slow and he doesn't understand the whole, "dont run in the street" thing. Which terrifies me. Grocery shopping is hard because my cart is full of kids.
At home my struggle is....am I neglecting Coen? I am always holding Jonah and a lot of times Coen like to sit in my lap or wants me to play with him but I can't...because Jonah is a very uncomfortable baby and he likes to be held. If I put him down to play with Coen...he's crying. He's not fond of the carrier or wrap. He knows what it means to be held. Coen falls and gets hurt sometimes while i'm holding Jonah and wants me to pick him up and console him...again...I already have a kid in my arms. At this point...i figure there is always going to be a kid crying.
I'm so tired. All the time. I sleep for a few hours and I don't even realize that I have. It literally feels like only a few minutes.The boys never seem to sleep at the same time. As soon as one is asleep the other is either waking him up or finally going to sleep himself or most often both awake and wanting my attention.
When I should be sleeping, I can't. My mind won't seem to shut off. I just lay there. Thinking, worrying...not sleeping. Then when I can finally shut my brain off....one or both of the boys is waking up.
I look crazy. I barely recognize myself. Mentally and physically. I've got about 30 lbs of luggage under my eyes. I look like a sunk-in, baggy-eyed ghoul. Mentally, i'm a wreck. My emotions are all over the place. My patience is very thin and I am easily frustrated and drawn to tears. I mean, it could be hormones combined with lack of sleep which makes for all-kinds-of-crazy.
I honestly just need a day of sleep. I'm a mess.
For example, today Coen woke up and I was laying on the couch with Jonah trying to figure out why he was so uncomfortable. Coen woke up in a good mood and we ate, played cars and played on the Ipad. I laid back down on the couch with Jonah and Coen came to lay with me and when he laid down, suddenly he just started screaming in pain. It shocked the hell out of me, cuz it was just sudden. I sat him up (Jonah in the other arm) and asked him what was wrong. He was just crying and crying and then he started grabbing his ears. I immediately thought, "ear infection" but it just seemed to come on suddenly. I laid Jonah down and picked up Coen. He wouldn't stop crying. He just kept grabbing my face with this pleading look like "Mommy, why am I in this pain. Please make it stop." He cried and cried for about a half hour while I looked frantically for his ear drops. I couldn't find them, and Jonah started getting fussy so I just decided to take him to Instacare. When I put him down to get some clothes for all of us, he just collapsed on the floor and cried in pain. It literally broke my heart.
So I rush off to Instacare, Coen crying the entire way. I get in there...waiting room is packed. They tell me it's a 2 hour wait. I'm like...well what else can I do? Coen is still crying. At this point he is crying so hard he is shaking and practically throwing up. I look around the room, not a single child is in there. I'm thinking...come and get us! This is a kid, obviously in pain. I think it's safe to say someone can wait. I got so overwhelmed and sad seeing my son in that kind of pain that I also started to cry. Just from frustration. After 20 minutes, I left and took Coen to the E.R. It is the most awful feeling seeing your kid in that kind of pain and not being able to do anything about it. I felt like everyone in the room was looking at me crazy. Like, "why are you so upset?" I know kids get ear infections all the time, but why should he have to suffer for 2 hours? I was suffering just watching him hurt.
The E.R. only took about 15 minutes and...what do you know...Ear infections like I said. I knew it. All I needed was the friggin antibiotics. I mean, how long does it take to look in an ear and say, "yea they are ear infections?" Guarantee that bill will be $300 for something I diagnosed myself. Mike showed up for moral support because when he called me back at the Instacare, I had already fallen apart. I felt stupid for not being able to hold my shit together, but it's my kid, hurting...combined with lack of sleep and food and frustration. I'm so thankful my husband is a patient man.
Coen reached for me at the E.R. and finally fell asleep. It melted my heart to know he wanted his mama. I gave him some ibuprofen when we got home and he woke up feeling so much better.
As for me, well...I tried to nap and Jonah wasn't having it....so back to the exhaustion part.
It's not all bad. I realize that Jonah is only 2 months old and it will get better. But right now. I'm just a mess. I don't know how I will go back to school feeling like this. My brain is not at it's highest functioning level. I feel like a zombie.
So yea....that's how i'm doing. I love these kids so much...but nothing worth having comes easy. I'm not a perfect mother or person, but i'm doing my best. I'm trying to hold it together....for everybody.
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