Rest in Peace

I don't know if it's just me, or mothers in general, but I feel like I think of the worst...all the time. Most of the time it's irrational, paranoid fears like, "If I let so and so babysit, maybe their dog won't like Coen and will bite his face off." or "What if while i'm walking down the stairs with Jonah I trip and he goes flying out of my arms and cracks his head open?"

I worry about my kids all the time. I guess like any parent I never want to see them hurt, or sick, or sad or rejected or let down. I want them to live long beautiful healthy lives and be happy and make me lots of grandbabies. But with this crazy world we live in...we just don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us. Disease, illness, sickos, psychos, car accidents, freak accidents, suicide..... I mean how can I not worry? I worry about Mike too and my parents and siblings.  

I guess the past couple of weeks has got me feeling pensive because all I seem to come across is death. My old boss lost his son (that I used to babysit) to suicide at 15, a friend I grew up with lost their 5 1/2 month old daughter to H1N1, and most recently my uncle died from liver cancer at 58. 

All of it has really got me realizing, man our time here is so short. So many tomorrows have come and gone. Am I making the most of my life? Will I live a long life? Will my kids? My parents?

My friend lost his baby to the flu. I'm still shocked. She had just a tiny little cough and passed away 2 days later. It has definitely made me re-examine the flu shot. I didn't get Coen one this year and Mike doesn't have one, but....they will be getting one. I had mine when I had Jonah, but he is still susceptible to all this crap out there for another 2 months.  I can't imagine their heartache. I'm not close with them, we knew each other years ago...but this has definitely shook me. I have shed tears for this family and that sweet baby girl that was only a few months older than Jonah. His wife has started to blog about their story. Be ready with lots of Kleenex if you're going to read it. 

I lost my uncle a few weeks ago. Losing my uncle was hard. It was my dad's brother and his best friend. He was such a silly, happy man. We found out about the cancer in December and he passed away on February 6th. The day after my mom's birthday. It was so quick. He changed so quick. My cousin flew in from San Diego and told us how bad the cancer had gotten and that the Dr's had only given him about 4-6 weeks and then 2 weeks later he passed. I went to see him almost everyday for those 2 weeks. Everyday more and more of his personality disappeared. It was heartbreaking. It still doesn't seem real. 

I've been around death before. I was a CNA. I've lost some friends. I deal with it pretty well. But nothing hurts you quite like losing a family member and watching them and their family (including yourself) have to deal with it.  The hardest part for me was seeing my Dad bury his brother. It still hurts. I'm so close to my Dad, I never want to see him hurt like that. It also started making me think, damn...my parents are not young anymore. My Dad is only 4 years younger than my uncle.  I can't imagine losing him in 4 years....Or ever really but I know it's something I will have to face someday. I just want my parents to be at least 100 before anything happens. I want my siblings to be super old and I want to be an old ass lady with Mike and see our great great great grandkids together.  Is that too much to ask? 

Death is hard. I still can't wrap my head around it. One minute someone is here and then they're not. And oddly enough...life goes on. We just carry on as if it never happened...but we will never see them again. Only our memories or thought of them keep them alive. I truly do hope there is a heaven and that someday we can all reunite. 

Anyway, with that said. I've just been holding my babies extra close (Mike included) and being so grateful to have them and praying that I get to keep them around for at least another 80 years. I'll be pretty old by then so i'm ok with just another 80 :)

Rest In Peace to all those that have recently passed.  I hope you know that you are thought of everyday. 

Jonah-3 months

My little Jonah Boy. This kid is probably the happiest little thang you've ever seen. He's sleeping about 4-5 hours at night now, so not only is he happy...but the whole house is happy. He is nice and fat, just like we like em in this house. Rolls for days. He's a lot longer than Coen was so I think Coen has him beat in the fatness department but only because he was compact fact. LOL.

He is grabbing onto everything. He's reaching and grabbing and holding things in his hands. He sure hold onto me for dear life. He does not want me to put him down! He is rubbing all of his beautiful hair out because he is trying to roll over and he uses his head to turn himself. *sigh* I guess it will grow back. I always get sad when their hair falls out.  He gets so happy when he first wakes up that he just screams with delight. It cracks me up. He kicks his little feet and arms out in all directions and just lets out the cutest little laugh. I am in love with this kid. Coen is starting to say "Bruher" now and "Baby" and point to Jonah. He loves to lay next to him and just hold his little hand and Jonah just cracks up at Coen when Coen is doing his little laps around the house.

Sure do love this kid! I'm so glad he's happy!

Sucky self realizations

So I'm a terrible person. I've come to realize a horrible dick-headed thing that I do....

I blurt out other people's good news! 

Man, I never noticed until today. It has happened on several occasions.

1. When my brother-in-law announced he had gotten married

Mid announcement I'm like..."did you guys finally get married?"

Yep-I'm that guy (or girl rather)

2. When my other brother-in-law announced that he and his wife were pregnant. 

I'm not quite sure how I fucked that one up but I know that I did. I'm sure he hasn't forgotten...

3. When  brother-in-law from situation #1 announced they were now pregnant.

I proudly proclaimed I knew it as he was announcing it. Yea...fucked up his good news twice.  He probably officially hates my guts. 

I hate myself a little. I mean what a dick move. Let them have their moment of glory! That's what I wish I had told myself before I blurted their shit out. 

I guess that's how you know you're a semi adult. You realize you're an asshole sometimes and should probably Shutup once in awhile.

I'm definitely working on it. 

I did apologize to my brother-in-law and his wife tonight but the damage is irreversible at this point. I seriously feel sick about it. My stomach hurts. 

So if I ever have any incling about something going on with you and you're about to make an announcement about it just let me know in a quiet corner somewhere cuz I will probably ruin your proud moment. 

*sigh* I'm ashamed 😔

Good Morning

Everyday I wake to the grunts of a hungry baby for a 7:30 feeding. I know 3 hours have passed since I laid down to sleep. I recognize the blue light that creeps into the house at this hour. I change Jonah's diaper and watch him giggle and squirm in his crib. I lie down to feed him and watch him drink himself to sleep in the comfort of my arms and warmth of my skin. I pull him close to me and touch my toddlers back to check for breathing; an impulse since his birth. I am comforted as I feel him start at my touch, nuzzle into my back and let out a long, peaceful sigh. I begin to slip into sleep again when I hear the tune of Mike's alarm clock and watch as he fumbles for the snooze button. I am in between awake and asleep as I feel my husband reluctantly rise from the bed and slink into the bathroom. I hear the whir of water and clink of his toothbrush. The bathroom door croaks open and the closet hangers clink as he shuffles through his work clothes. I am lulled to sleep by deep breaths of my sons next to me as I hear the distant jingle of car keys and I wake myself for a moment to turn and see Mike as he shimmies past the bassinet to kiss me goodbye. He whispers a quiet, " I love you," and I hoarsely reply "I love you too." Our fingers linger together for a moment and then I feel him slip away into his day. The clunk of the door sends me back to sleep.

Good Morning.

Repost: Let your Husband Love You

So I stumbled across this awesome blog entry from the When at Home Blog. Sometimes I find these little gems that other people have shared and I find new blogs to follow.

I really like this post because sometimes I get so caught up in the kids, and the house and school that sometimes I feel like I neglect my #1. My husband. In the beginning it was just me and him and now we have 2 little boys squished in between us.  This is a nice little reminder to stop juggling everything for just a second and love up on my hubby...

I’m writing this post to myself. You can read it if you like, but just know that I’m 100% preaching to myself.

I get it. The kids have been climbing on you all day. One or both of your boobs have been exposed 87% of the day and you’re sick of being clawed at, sucked on, licked, punched, kicked, pulled, snotted on, cried on, spit up on, pooped on, and peed on. You’ve wiped butts and noses and counters and walls all day. You’ve battled attitudes and arched backs and Dora the Explorer since dawn and you’re tired. So. So. Tired. I know. I really really do.

I know you don’t want to be touched and for some reason, an innocent compliment can offend you. When he says, “You’re so pretty”, you think he’s mocking you because you’re in the yoga pants you’ve been wearing 4 days in a row and your hair is either falling out of your scalp or tied so tightly on top of your head that your eyebrows are permanently surprised. You think when he hugs you he’s just trying to do the thing that made all this chaos start in the first place and that ticks you off. Please. PLEASE. Listen when I say these things.

Stop. Take a breath. Recharge. Try again.

He’s been away at work all day. He’d much rather be with you. All of you. He’s missed your face, your voice, your smell, and your touch. He’s had to deal with whatever crap he has to deal with in order to provide for the family that he loves. He doesn’t enjoy walking out the door every morning, but he does. Every day. For you. For them.

He does think you’re pretty. He wouldn’t lie to you. He doesn’t need to say those things. But when he walks in the door and the first thing he sees is the love of his life, don’t convince yourself that he’s thinking about anything other than how absolutely beautiful you are. Cause guys are weird. Once they fall in love with you, there’s nothing you can wear, no amount of weight you can gain, and no lack of make up that will make them see you any differently. You are their love, their bride, and after he’s been at work all day, you are a sight for sore eyes.

So instead of rolling your eyes, huffing and puffing, throwing out gut kicking comments about how he has it easy, doesn’t understand, is lazy, a jerk, whatever comes to your beautiful stressed out brain… BREATHE. Look away from your day and see the man that won your heart.

Let your husband love you.

Because he needs to love you. As much as you need to receive the love he has for you, he needs to be received. He needs to be welcomed, embraced, and loved. Even if the last thing you want is to be touched or to hear how amazing you look when you feel insecure and disgusting. Let him love you. Don’t push him away. If you do, I can guarantee there will come a day when your cold shoulders and eye rolling will have trained him to stay away. There will be a day when you will need to be hugged and need to be reminded of how amazing you are and he won’t know how to tell you.

So suck up your pride, your anger, your frustration, and your crazy and just…be loved.

Jonah-2 months

Well,  another month has gone by and what a difference it has made in this little guy. He's just a cooing away and smiling like he's the happiest person in the world. I love it. His little smile just brightens me right up...even at 4 am when he is wide awake with no hope of sleep in sight. He absolutely hates tummy time, but his neck is getting a lot stronger and he's holding his head up longer and longer. He still likes to throw himself backward when we hold him, but luckily he hasn't completely fallen out of our arms (yet!)  He loves to be held and I love to hold him, but if I learned anything with Coen it's that you've gotta put them down so they learn to hang out alone once in awhile. The swing has been my saving grace lately so that I can get a few things done.  He still ends up in the bed next to me sometimes when he's half asleep and hungry and when i'm half awake and too lazy to put him back in the bassinet. He sleeps for about 4 good hours next to me and I don't mind the snuggles. I usually end up a mom sandwich between Coen and Jonah and poor Mike hangs off the other side LOL.  He is starting to figure out his hands and grasping with intent now. When I hold him he'll open his little hand and hold onto my arm.  With me being back in school I've had to start enforcing the bottle, which so far has been no bueno. He seriously just get pissed. Same with pacifiers. Not having it.  Poor Mike seems so helpless when I go to school (3 hrs on Tues, 5 hours on Sat) because he can't get him to eat. Usually he just cries until he falls asleep and I bring my engorged self home.  I try to feed him right before I leave, but Saturdays are just a little too long.  On the 25th  i'm going to school and then around 7 i'm going to dinner in Salt Lake with my best friend for her birthday. That means Mike, alone with the kids for probably 8 or 9 hours. So we've really gotta get this bottle thing figured out. 

I can honestly say something about his second baby has changed me. My patience and my tolerance (now that my hormones are semi-normal again) have increased. I just realized that some things you've got to accept. Like no sleep and constant messes. I used to get so flustered and now i'm like...whatev...I know i'm not getting any sleep or  let him make a mess...he's a kid. No use sweeping 900 times a day or putting the toys away 10 dozen times.  I feel more at peace with myself when I don't get so worked up about these little things. Yes i'm a housewife and sometimes the house is a mess...but we have children now...and that's what they do.  My husband is fed and his clothes are ironed so...he doesn't make a fuss about it either.  Everybody's happy! :)

Exhausted is an understatement

Lately everybody has been asking me..."how are you adjusting to having 2 kids?"

Honestly...I have no idea how to do this. That's as real as I can be about it.

Going places is still something i'm trying to figure out. Who do I get out of the car first? If they are both asleep I have to carry both of them. I'm a little person so I look like i'm struggling. Yes, Coen can walk most of the time, but he's only 2. He walks slow and he doesn't understand the whole, "dont run in the street" thing. Which terrifies me. Grocery shopping is hard because my cart is full of kids.

At home my struggle is....am I neglecting Coen? I am always holding Jonah and a lot of times Coen like to sit in my lap or wants me to play with him but I can't...because Jonah is a very uncomfortable baby and he likes to be held. If I put him down to play with Coen...he's crying. He's not fond of the carrier or wrap. He knows what it means to be held. Coen falls and gets hurt sometimes while i'm holding Jonah and wants me to pick him up and console him...again...I already have a kid in my arms. At this point...i figure there is always going to be a kid crying.

I'm so tired. All the time. I sleep for a few hours and I don't even realize that I have. It literally feels like only a few minutes.The boys never seem to sleep at the same time. As soon as one is asleep the other is either waking him up or finally going to sleep himself or most often both awake and wanting my attention.

When I should be sleeping, I can't. My mind won't seem to shut off. I just lay there. Thinking, worrying...not sleeping. Then when I can finally shut my brain off....one or both of the boys is waking up.

I look crazy. I barely recognize myself. Mentally and physically. I've got about 30 lbs of luggage under my eyes. I look like a sunk-in, baggy-eyed ghoul. Mentally, i'm a wreck. My emotions are all over the place. My patience is very thin and I am easily frustrated and drawn to tears. I mean, it could be hormones combined with lack of sleep which makes for all-kinds-of-crazy.

I honestly just need a day of sleep. I'm a mess.

For example, today Coen woke up and I was laying on the couch with Jonah trying to figure out why he was so uncomfortable.  Coen woke up in a good mood and we ate, played cars and played on the Ipad. I laid back down on the couch with Jonah and Coen came to lay with me and when he laid down, suddenly he just started screaming in pain. It shocked the hell out of me, cuz it was just sudden. I sat him up (Jonah in the other arm) and asked him what was wrong. He was just crying and crying and then he started grabbing his ears.  I immediately thought, "ear infection" but it just seemed to come on suddenly. I laid Jonah down and picked up Coen. He wouldn't stop crying. He just kept grabbing my face with this pleading look like "Mommy, why am I in this pain. Please make it stop." He cried and cried for about a half hour while I looked frantically for his ear drops. I couldn't find them, and Jonah started getting fussy so I just decided to take him to Instacare. When I put him down to get some clothes for all of us, he just collapsed on the floor and cried in pain. It literally broke my heart.

So I rush off to Instacare, Coen crying the entire way. I get in there...waiting room is packed. They tell me it's a 2 hour wait. I'm like...well what else can I do? Coen is still crying. At this point he is crying so hard he is shaking and practically throwing up. I look around the room, not a single child is in there. I'm thinking...come and get us! This is a kid, obviously in pain. I think it's safe to say someone can wait.  I got so overwhelmed and sad seeing my son in that kind of pain that I also started to cry. Just from frustration. After 20 minutes, I left and took Coen to the E.R. It is the most awful feeling seeing your kid in that kind of pain and not being able to do anything about it. I felt like everyone in the room was looking at me crazy. Like, "why are you so upset?" I know kids get ear infections all the time, but why should he have to suffer for 2 hours? I was suffering just watching him hurt.

The E.R. only took about 15 minutes and...what do you know...Ear infections like I said. I knew it. All I needed was the friggin antibiotics. I mean, how long does it take to look in an ear and say, "yea they are ear infections?" Guarantee that bill will be $300 for something I diagnosed myself. Mike showed up for moral support because when he called me back at the Instacare, I had already fallen apart. I felt stupid for not being able to hold my shit together, but it's my kid, hurting...combined with lack of sleep and food and frustration.  I'm so thankful my husband is a patient man.

Coen reached for me at the E.R. and finally fell asleep. It melted my heart to know he wanted his mama. I gave him some ibuprofen when we got home and he woke up feeling so much better.

As for me, well...I tried to nap and Jonah wasn't having it....so back to the exhaustion part.

It's not all bad. I realize that Jonah is only 2 months old and it will get better. But right now. I'm just a mess. I don't know how I will go back to school feeling like this. My brain is not at it's highest functioning level. I feel like a zombie.

So yea....that's how i'm doing. I love these kids so much...but nothing worth having comes easy. I'm not a perfect mother or person, but i'm doing  my best. I'm trying to hold it together....for everybody.